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Alexander
USA 2004
Directed by Oliver Stone
Running time 176 minutes
Rated M

Reviewed by
Bernard Hemingway
1 stars


Alexander (Colin Farrell) is the son of Philip of Macedonia (Val Kilmer) and Queen Olympias (Angelina Jolie). When the tyrannical Philip is murdered Alexander becomes king and sets out to conquer the known world. He dies at the age of 32.

The cast list of this film sent shudders through me. Colin Farrell as a legendary conqueror? Angelina Jolie as his mother? Val Kilmer as his dad? This could not be good history. Then there were the ill-winds of bad press with even Stone acknowledging that the only epic quality to his film was the stench of self-indulgence. I lost my bottle, dear reader. True, one man's meat and all that but I was possessed by the ineluctable realization that Alexander was not so much likeable or otherwise as simply cod-awful pedestrianally boring.

Still, there must have been someone who liked this film. I looked on the internet and found him (he gave the film 5.5 out of 10). His name is Brendan and he writes for Empire Films. "Angelina Jolie was great to look at. She has definitely jumped to the top of my list as one of the hottest chicks on the planet. Those lips, that body. Gold, pure gold, baby. And then there is Rosario Dawson and the extended scene with her bare breasts. Those breasts are quite possibly the best breasts to ever grace the screen in the history of cinema. And some of the scenes and cinematography were just outstanding".

This has to be a joke.

 

 

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